So, I have a cold. I guess it's that time of year again...the weather is changing back and forth, mucking with our immune systems, and the kids, back in school, are welcoming gangs of germs back into our homes every day. Although I have no energy, I think I should just be thankful that it's just a cold and nothing more!
So, clearly this minor illness is not the reason that I bawled my face off today after work.
I realized something today, something that's been nagging at the back of my mind for months now: I can't handle being a working mom . Not with everything else I have to deal with...not with how much I have to fight every morning just to get out of bed on a GOOD day. On a good day, I'm exhausted and barely hanging on. And yet, I can't afford to NOT be a working mom. I'm stuck. And I don't know what to do. I know this problem isn't unique to me...and I'm just in awe of those who have learned to cope.
When I wrote my previous post about depression, I was experiencing a lot of emotions. One of them was anger - I was fed up. Fed up with life, fed up with people who don't try to understand, fed up with the lack of resources out there to help people who are suffering...just angry. There was fight left in me. Things are different now.
Now? I have no fight left. I feel like I'm giving up, but can't do anything to stop it. Some days it feels like I'm losing the battle...other days it feels like I've already lost. I'm doing my best to hang in there for my kids, but I just don't know how to do this anymore. How do you convince yourself it's worth getting up when the majority of your time awake is spent in misery? I'm struggling to find the answer to that...