Starting Over, Yet Not Starting Over

I am struggling to find the best way to word this post. There are so many things that I want to say, so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in my brain that it feels darned near impossible to put them together coherently. Don't you hate it when that happens? I know I do. I'll try my best to get this out, but as always, no promises.

I am starting over again with my weight loss. As I've mentioned before, a few weeks ago I decided that I'd just about had it with worrying about everything I put into my mouth, and I vowed to give myself a break until the new year. No counting calories, no counting points, no clean-eating goals. Nothing, nada! Well, as you can imagine, that really added up, and I officially weigh the most I've ever weighed outside of pregnancy-related pounds: 207 lbs.

I'm actually not as upset about that as I thought I'd be. (Except for the fact that the BMI chart says I'm obese!) I don't hate what I see in the mirror - I'm not impressed, but I don't hate myself. I have come up with a plan for the New Year, joined a diet bet (where my weight is just slightly different than it will be here because for that you have to weigh in wearing clothes!), and am ready to get back in the swing of things. My mindset is also better than it's been in months. I could waste my time being angry with myself for "letting myself go", but that would just be wasted energy. I'd rather look forward, not backward. So with that attitude, I start over.

And, yet, in another way, I am not starting over.

Because last time I weighed this much, I couldn't run for 30 seconds without feeling winded. Heck, Icouldn't run for TEN seconds! I could barely squat with just my own body weight, yet now I can use a fifty pound bar. I couldn't do a "girlie" push up, lunge with any weight on my shoulders, or do a proper sit up. I can do those things now. So while yes, I am starting over with my weight, I am NOT starting over with my fitness. So what that means is that my health hasn't suffered quite as much as it could have. So, I am happy about that.

Here is to moving forward...