I am SUCH A FAILURE

I can't stop.

I can't stop stuffing my face.

I can't stop riding the lazy train.

I can't stop obsessing over everything I'm doing wrong.

I can't stop lying on the couch, covering myself with a blanket, wishing my life away.

I am in a funk. A big funk. And if I don't snap out of it, I am going to find myself once again and overweight, exhausted, push-people-away blob of misery.

Knowing what's wrong is easy. Knowing how to fix it? Not so much.

I just feel so defeated...

Embarassing Photos

Every once in awhile, I like to look through Facebook, seeking out the embarrassing or unflattering photos of myself that somehow ended up on the internet...and that I didn't insist on being deleted. Admittedly, some are actually kind of fun! In the spirit of making fun of myself, I did this again recently. Here is what I came up with...

My sister and I (I'm the little one)...



High School, so cool...



This one from my baby shower made the cut...



Summer before I got pregnant...I learned to make balloon animals, because that's how I roll...



Pregnant with my daughter...(end of 2008)



Um...yeah...



Sometimes it's good to make fun of yourself. I always do!

This is Thursday Night...

I’m in for a busy day tomorrow, so I may not be able to find time to post my usual Friday post. So I’m writing it tonight instead. As best I can, at least. I don’t know what I weigh exactly, but I DO know that I haven’t lost any weight this week. It’s just been one binge after another. Sigh. What is wrong with me? I’ve been asking that more and more lately.

I really, REALLY need to figure out the difference between two years ago (when I started my weight loss journey...man, I’m sick of saying “journey”) and now. My mindset is different, and I want to get back into the same “zone” I was in back then. So I’ve been re-reading some of my old posts, trying to remember how I felt. Here are some of my favourites:

This Guest Post

This One and This One about Running

This Goal Post

I do know that when I first starting working out again, I was obsessed. I worked out 6-7 days a week, and whenever I wasn’t working out, I was wishing that I was. I went to sleep thinking about what I would eat the next day, and how I would exercise. That is NOT a healthy mindset, so I am perfectly happy to skip those things as I make my way back to goal.

However, what I want to regain is my motivation, my self-control, and the positive voice inside of my head that tells me I CAN DO THIS. I want to feel confident again, and set a good example for my kids.

I know that it takes time, and thankfully, I have lots of time before bathing suit season comes to get my butt in gear! Let’s just hope I can finally get back on track.

Happy Family Day!

Here in Ontario, it is Family Day! Basically, a lot of workplaces are closed, and the idea is to have an extra day to spend with your family. (How I long for the past, when every Sunday could be a Family Day!) If that sounds like a random excuse of a holiday, that's because, well...it is. It was basically created to bridge the gap between Christmas and Easter, which can seem very long without an extra holiday snuck in there. All I can say is, I'm not complaining!

I am still not 100% feeling better since being sick over the weekend. My stomach is still quite touchy, and I have to be very careful what I eat or do. I'm hoping that I feel much better for work tomorrow, because I've already taken enough sick days for 2014 so far!

To anyone who is off today...enjoy yourself! And stay healthy...do it for me!

Fat-Free Friday (one day late due to sickness)

Okay...to being, someone posted this on my facebook page, and I can't stop laughing because it's so true...



As you can tell, I have no problem making fun of myself. Especially when it comes to my eating habits.

Moving on...

I weigh: 167

I feel: Okay

I did: Better than last week? I know that I didn't have a Fat-Free Friday post up last Friday, and it wasn't because I was plotting to hide anything from you guys. I gained weight, but I was having stomach issues at the time and actually worried that my weight would appear to be LOWER than it should have been. So I skipped the scale. At least, the official one. But for the record, I was around 168.8 when last week ended.

I had two good gym workouts this week, plus one fun lug-the-toboggan-up-the-hill, drag-flailing-toddler-back-home-in-my-arms-when-he-pitches-a-fit session. Guess which one made me sweat more, and deal with more soreness after? That's right: the latter.

I am trying to be a lot kinder to myself lately. Although it's hard when I find old (pre-kids) pictures like this:



Sigh...I'll never have THAT tummy again, that's for sure!

But enough wallowing in the past, and more looking forward. This week ahead: I am aiming for 3-4 gym sessions, healthier choices ALL week, and working more on my core strength.

Doesn't sound too hard, right?

Sometimes I Wish...Sometimes I Don't

Sometimes, I wish that healthy habits didn't feel so difficult to me. I'd love to be one of those people who actually WANTS to stop eating when they feel satisfied, who doesn't crave junky foods, and who only exercises because of how it makes them feel.



Okay, fine...sometimes I REALLY wish that I was one of those people who could eat whatever they want, do as little exercise as they want, and still be teeny weeny. Like my skinny B of a sister. Exhibit A: (it's funny because her name starts with the letter "A"...I'm lame...)



Like, that's what she looks like while VERY pregnant and eating like a linebacker. Not fair!

(I'm actually very close with my sister...and as she likes to point out, she may have a faster metabolism, but I have lungs that actually work. I digress...)

But...other times, I am glad that I have to "work at it". If I didn't, I'd probably ONLY eat junk food, and we all know THAT would eventually catch up with me. I'd have never bothered to work at running, something I've fallen in love with. I would never have bothered lifting weights, which I am starting to enjoy. And if I never had to work out, I would never have realized how much it benefits my MENTAL health too. More importantly, I also probably wouldn't be a blogger, and then where would all 94 of you be? :P

So I guess...in a way...I'm grateful that I have to work at it. I may sometimes do it only for superficial reasons, but knowing that I'm improving my health and my strength, and doing things that I never thought I'd be able to do? That's a great feeling!

Just don't tell anyone...

Snowman Party

Donovan's 2nd birthday (aka the day Brenna fell off the wagon again) was on February 2nd. We celebrated by hosting a little family party. Nothing too fancy or overblown...I was feeling a little bit overwhelmed, after all.

I do enjoy looking up ideas for parties on the internet and on Pinterest, but I'm not always the best at executing them. And my parties definitely don't end up looking NEAR Pinterest-perfect...but nonetheless, I have fun with them!

And for once, I did not make the cake. Shocker, I know! But my wonderful sister wanted to help me out, and since she can't bake to save her life, she enlisted the help of one of our old friends. I think it turned out really well!

And now...some pictures...

The theme of the day...




Our official greeter...



Pin the nose on the snowman...(I know, my "after" picture is terrible...)



Getting glared at by the cat for getting in her way...



Mealtime fun...



Strike a pose!



Presents!



The cakes (One for Van, one for everyone else!)



Waiting is the hardest part...



Cake tag-team!



And after all was said and done...me...



I know that was a lot of photos! Thanks for looking!